greenideas

October 03, 2005

Wild night

Doesn't this look familiar? As much as I wanted the Sox to win the AL East, they didn't win it last year, and they finished okay. Of course, this year they even finished with the same record as the guys who won the division, if you can believe that.

The Spankees have to go 3,000 miles to LA or Anaheim, or whatever, to play the Angels, against whom they're 4 & 6. The Sox have a shorter flight to Chicago, where they'll throttle the other sox, against whom they're 4 & 3. At any rate, it's October, and it's effing game time, baby.

Posted by matt at 09:24 AM | TrackBack

October 02, 2005

scaled-down for efficiency

22-24 for the season. This will be the weekend I turn it around though. Why? Because this time I really mean it.

Buffalo at New Orleans - Buffalo (they've lost every time I've picked them, but now it's such a habit I can't really stop)
Denver at Jacksonville - Jacksonville (Broncos played well against the Chiefs, but the Jags are too much to handle at home)
Detroit at Tampa Bay - Tampa Bay
Houston at Cincinnati - Cincinnati
Indianapolis at Tennessee - Indianapolis
San Diego at New England - New England (I hate them, but they will not be taken down by a team as weak as the Chargers)
Seattle at Washington - Washington
St. Louis at NY Giants - Giants
NY Jets at Baltimore - Baltimore (although I wouldn't mind seeing Testaverde and the Jets pull a win out of this)
Dallas at Oakland - Dallas
Minnesota at Atlanta - Atlanta
Philadelphia at Kansas City - Philadelphia
San Francisco at Arizona - San Francisco (they're playing pretty well)
Green Bay at Carolina - Carolina

Posted by Kevin at 12:29 PM | TrackBack

September 23, 2005

bad picks for bad people

Sitting pretty at 16-16 for the season. Unacceptable. I could admit that I got pretty lucky last week with that miraculous Redskins win. But no, I'll merely take that as further evidence that Bill Parcells has once again aroused the wrath of god. Karma is catching up to him and his monstrous crotch-fat. Here's this weekend:

Atlanta at Buffalo: Buffalo (Losman, try not to two-step out of the back of the end zone)
Carolina at Miami: Carolina
Cincinnati at Chicago: Chicago
Cleveland at Indianapolis: Indianapolis
Jacksonville at NY Jets: Jets
New Orleans at Minnesota: (this game will feel like a hot, wet breath of flu.) New Orleans.
Oakland at Philadelphia: Philadelphia
Tampa Bay at Green Bay: Tampa Bay (against my better judgment)
Tennessee at St. Louis: St. Louis
Arizona at Seattle: Seattle
Dallas at San Francisco: Dallas (but if the 49ers win, it'll be a good day)
New England at Pittsburgh: Pittsburgh (no way the Pats are winning after last week's shitty meltdown)
NY Giants at San Diego: Giants
Kansas City at Denver: Kansas City

Posted by Kevin at 01:40 AM | TrackBack

September 22, 2005

grief

Crap. I am too miserably depressed to write anything today. I just don't want to talk about it.

Happy birthday Scott Baio.

Posted by matt at 07:58 AM | TrackBack

September 18, 2005

Football Church

Last week's picks were pretty bad (understatement humor). The g.d. Cowboys won, the Eagles lost (horribly, pathetically), and the Dolphins scored a suspicious number of points on the Broncos. My record moved to 7-9. Fuck. That tells me that I'm a football idiot-savant: 65% idiot, 35% savant. I made those picks last week in a haze of indecision and under the heavy influence of Tropicana Orange-Tangerine juice (messes with my head), so here are the winners for this week:

Baltimore at Tennessee - Baltimore
Buffalo at Tampa Bay - Buffalo (they better win again this week)
Detroit at Chicago - Detroit
Jacksonville at Indianapolis - Indianapolis
Minnesota at Cincinnati - Cincinnati (Vikings looked like they all had the flu last weekend)
New England at Carolina - New England
Pittsburgh at Houston - Pittsburgh
San Francisco at Philadelphia - Philadelphia (have to redeem themselves after that Falcons disaster)
Atlanta at Seattle - Atlanta
St. Louis at Arizona - St. Louis
Cleveland at Green Bay - Green Bay
Miami at NY Jets - NY Jets
San Diego at Denver - San Diego
Kansas City at Oakland - Kansas City
NY Giants at New Orleans - NY Giants
Washington at Dallas - Washington (for the love of god)

Does anyone else think that Roethlisberger should be given part-time pay for what he does? Pittsburgh literally passes about .3 times a game, usually when Cowher isn't paying attention, I think some offensive coordinator sneaks a pass in there just to 'experiment' with the controversial new forward ball-movement process. Lame.

Posted by Kevin at 10:50 AM | TrackBack

September 12, 2005

Accentuate the positive

The Sox lost their series to the MFY here in New York this weekend. You know what? That's fine. Friday sucked, as nobody played especially great ball, and we had another gem of a call by Sveum. Saturday's victory, however, was inspired. Schilling was absolutely dominant. It's still probably too early to say whether the Schill of old is back to stay, but you can't argue with the fact that he's gotten better every game he's pitched since he's been back. And while we lost yesterday, everyone played terrific ball. We just got beat.

Of course (and this is important enough to warrant a new paragraph), it's an open question as to whether it was Jason Giambi's* solo shot (I didn't see it, but I did see a cat do a somersault which is much more impressive) that put us under in the 1-0 game, or whether it was Bud Selig's limp-wristed approach to combating steroid use in the MLB. And here's hoping I don't get called into the principal's office like David Wells for saying that, and come out all Body Snatchers talking about how I didn't understand the intricacies of steroid policy.

(I've railed against the commish on the same topic at greater length elsewhere.)

Anyway, I still feel good about where the Sox will end up when the dust settles on September, as long as my boys don't get tuckered out (they don't have a day off till over a week from now!).

Completely unrelated to any of that, here's what sucks about getting older (and reading biographies of people you respect): Scoop Jackson held his first public office when he was 26. I only have 372 days to get elected to something if I want to keep pace.

Posted by matt at 09:50 AM | TrackBack

September 11, 2005

Late NFL Picks (updated)

So I missed out on the Pats and Raiders game on Thursday night, but that doesn't matter because we all knew in our American hearts of hearts that Tom Brady and the infallible jackasses were going to beat Randy Moss and the morally unworthy Raiders. Fact of life. The Pats have something on their side, whether it's voodoo or talent, well, that's hard to judge. Anyway, just wanted to get these picks on record before the rest of the games started, so check these out:

Chicago at Washington - Washington
Cincinnati at Cleveland - Cincinnati
Denver at Miami - Denver
Houston at Buffalo - Houston
New Orleans at Carolina - Carolina
Jets at Kansas City - Jets
Seattle at Jacksonville - Jacksonville
Tampa Bay at Minnesota - Minnesota
Tennessee at Pittsburgh - Pittsburgh
Cardinals at Giants - Giants (as much as it pains me to do this, and barring an unlikely and spectacularly gory situation involving Eli Manning's sore elbow detaching itself from his humerus and flying off along with his radius and ulna into the stands, to land with a cinematic splash in some poor jerk's massive cup of beer- the Giants will win)
Dallas at San Diego - San Diego
Green Bay at Detroit - Detroit (Favre should have retired!)
St. Louis at San Francisco - St. Louis
Indianapolis at Baltimore - Indianapolis
Philadelphia at Atlanta - Philly (of course)

One thing- I think the Raiders lost on Thursday night because Norv Turner's face looks as if it has been weathered by years of sun, sand, and crashing waves. But more in the way that a pier is worn down, as if Norv has used his face (volunteer, part-time) as a sort of anti-erosion dune on some beach.

Update: Whew, I am one retarded bastard. 7-7 is no way to start a season. Hopefully the Eagles will put me up above .500 for the weekend. Pitiful. Chargers: you played like lost dogs, ashamed, wandering aimlessly, dirty, through the game.

Posted by Kevin at 11:57 AM | TrackBack

September 09, 2005

And yea, the Pepto will flow like water

On the one hand, last night's Sox loss to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, California in the United States of America (I think that's their full name now, right? Ed. Note: AHH! I swear that I wrote this before reading Soxaholix today!) was a heartbreaker. Even in the bottom of the 9th, being down three just didn't feel like much of a deficit--especially once the bases were loaded with Petagine (whose numbers are respectable) at the plate. So yeah, it sucked when the magic failed to happen. On the other hand, the Sox played some great ball. Matt Clement pitched a great game. He just didn't have any run support from the Sox bats which have been running a little cold lately.

On the whole though, the Sox definitely look like they're getting into postseason shape. It's too early to say whether Theo's decision around the trade deadline to leave the pitching staff where it was, and let them work out their own kinks is going to pay off, but things are already looking better than I thought they would at the time.

Of course, one sure way to tell that the post-season is imminent is the miracle of proprioception. Personally, I always know the Fall Classic is drawing near when I start vibrating during the games. Also, I may've broken my hat when Millar struck out last night.

I forget who we're playing this weekend, but I bet it won't be very dramatic, whoever it is.

Posted by matt at 09:15 AM | TrackBack

September 01, 2005

Kevin Millar is a golden god!

God bless the horrid Cheeto-colored Hulkamania handlebar on Kevin Millar's little face. At this point in the season, who could've known that he had it in him to bust out, not one, but two (2!) homers in one game? Right off the Coke bottle on top of the monster! Oh, hell yes.

Wakefield got off to a shaky start, giving up a lead-off home run in the first, and two more homers in the the third. But he pulled it together admirably, saying after the game that he made some adjustments to his hands. This lends credence to the theory that the last major league knuckleballer is indeed a robot.

Other things have been going on with teams that aren't the Red Sox. Let's take a look at them:

Unfortunately the Mariners couldn't get anything off of Randy "No, I'm not Jeff Foxworthy" Johnson, so we're still just two and a half games in front of the MFY.

Speaking of ex-Mariners, it makes me giddy that Ken Griffey is having a hot streak. I kind of thought he was done, so it's good to see him doing something again. And maybe he'll be in Chicago next year? I dunno. He says no.

It's also pretty awesome that the Nats picked up a game in the super-tight NL wildcard (Seriously, they're in fifth for the wildcard, but they're only two games back. Toronto's in the same spot in the AL, but they're a full nine games out).

Just in case there was any question: October looms, and it's time to get obsessed.

Posted by matt at 09:19 AM | TrackBack

August 30, 2005

Bring forth the soul-Bactine

It's tough to think of a more ham-fisted, overwrought scene in the history of cinema than the part near the end of Revenge of the Sith where the newly minted Darth Vader throws his fists in the air and screams "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" while objects are tossed about the room by the force of his grief. Nonethless, that's about where I was this morning when I found out that Mark Bellhorn will be going to the Spankees. On the one hand, I understand that his pride must've taken a massive hit when he was designated for assignment by the team he helped to win last year's World Series. But the Yankees?! If he'd just held out a little longer, he'd have been called up when the Sox expand their roster. Instead, he's going to share a locker room with Slappy McBluelips, and while away his days as a utility player.

That stings.

It also leaves open the question of just why the Yanks even wanted the guy who leads the league in strikeouts. First Embree and now this. I guess if the Spankees want to take our guys, at least they're only getting the ones who suck.

Still, possibly the only thing that'll soothe this burn is more starting pitching.

Posted by matt at 09:39 AM | TrackBack

August 26, 2005

Maudlin days are here again

Should I have listened to the nagging voice in the back of my mind on Tuesday night that said I need to respect the Royals, and that long losing streaks tend to end, and that it's not uncommon for them to do so when the Sox are around? Apparently.

Should I know better by now than to have held out hope that Schilling would dominate in his first start in forty-something days and, in so doing, lead the Sox to march like Sherman through the rest of the AL? Yes. Yes I should.

After two first-inning strikeouts, it looked like maybe the post-season hero could've returned. Then came the litany of hard line drives to shallow center. I don't think I've ever seen so many hitters put the ball in exactly the same spot over and over again. And they're pretty much guaranteed singles, so Schilling clearly had to be less than 100% for the Sox to get clobbered by KC small ball.

And how far must our pitching staff have fallen if I'm anxious to get Foulke back in the bullpen? Answer: very far indeed.

It's going to be a long post-season.

Posted by matt at 09:03 AM | TrackBack

August 11, 2005

How to Make Your Football Season a Living Hell

Well well well. Terrell Owens has gone from being the de facto savior of Philadelphia football to catalyzing what may be one of the most nightmarish off-seasons in recent memory. When he dumped his old agent and married Drew Rosenhaus, fine whatever it's all business; contract dispute, okay, it is professional sports afterall and TO's only got a few full-speed years left in him, might as well capitalize on those while he can. But now apparently TO has shifted into turbo-douchebag mode, and got his ass kicked out of training camp yesterday. Supposedly Owens earned his "week of vacation" by skipping out on a mandatory autograph session during camp and then either 1)brushing past head coach Andy Reid when Reid was asking him to attend the session, or 2)directing some choice expletives at Reid. Either way, it's some petulant shit. TO has said in the past that his 'deal' with the Eagles is that he wants to be respected as one of the premier receivers in the league. Perhaps the man is, physically speaking, one of the best and most skilled- however, it's become pretty obvious during his hard tantrums with the 49ers and now with the Eagles (and even in between, with that trade mess via Baltimore) that he is far from 'premier'. TO and his Drew have said that they want the fans to understand that this is purely a business/financial grievance. Which is fair enough. But why the incendiary remarks about McNabb ("I'm not the one who got tired in the fourth quarter [of the Super Bowl]"), or the cold shoulder that TO's given fans since the beginning of training camp? I can't really see any financial advantage to alienating everyone who has supported your cause. Owens wants everyone to know he's unhappy with his situation and he's doing a good job by making everything as difficult as humanly possible. As Skip Bayless said a few weeks ago on ESPN, Owens will take it to a point where the Eagles either have to give in to the wide-out's demands or simply try to unload his truculent ass on another team. It certainly won't be the case that Owens plays the season, gives his all in every game, and gets picked up by the Falcons or whoever in '06, gracefully leaving the Eagles with happy memories in tow. That won't happen. He'll drop passes, insult teammates, and just generally be an extremely acute pain in the ass. At least it'll make for some good television.

Posted by Kevin at 05:04 PM | TrackBack

August 03, 2005

The Lowest of the Lowe

Wow. Who knew that Derek Lowe was such a dick?

Unrelated to that and in virtue of his still being a Red Sox, and his not being a dick (contrary to the Boston media's inappropriate and inexplicable jihad), I motion that we of the Red Sox Nation adopt "Manny being Manny" as our new mantra.

Posted by matt at 09:23 AM | TrackBack

August 02, 2005

?

Who the fuck is Matt Stairs?!

Posted by matt at 07:19 PM | TrackBack

No news is good news

Sorry to be so brief, but I'm cleaning up after the fallout of having been out of the office for almost a week. Nonetheless, I'd be remiss if I didn't extend a hearty hallelujah to the baseball gods for keeping Manny where he belongs. As much as I would've liked more starting pitching, I can't imagine this Red Sox team without my main man Manny, and I'm ecstatic not to have to try just yet.

Also, congratulations to Wade Boggs and Gammo on their new places in Cooperstown.

(Also, mad love to JetBlue for allowing me to keep my eyes glued to the ESPN trade deadline coverage while somewhere over New Mexico.)

Posted by matt at 11:43 AM | TrackBack

July 27, 2005

You guys rock on this coast, I'll go rock on the other one

Philadelphians rejoice! The NY/NJ Metro area is temporarily relinquishing its hold on Lungs of a Giant, who will be loving the city of brotherly rock (or something like that) this Saturday night at The Manhattan Room. Fair warning, LOAG loves the fuck out of Philadelphia, so the show is likely to yield dangerous levels of rock.

Unfortunately, Kevin won't yet have completed his transformation from Richmond chrysalis to Philly butterfly, so he won't be there. But that doesn't mean he can't send the rest of his clan to the show.

Also, back here in the county of Kings tomorrow night, Detachment Kit will finish their month-long residency at Magnetic Field. If you haven't seen any of these shows, this is your last chance. DK are probably still sweaty and gross from their monolithic performance at Siren ('cause they rock that hard--not 'cause they're dirty boys), so there's a good chance you'll get some Coney Island funk along with the normal spazz-core operatics.

Unfortunately, I won't be at either of these shows, 'cause I'll be aaall the way in San Diego for work (AHA Leadership Summit--Newt Gingrich is giving the keynote!). What that means for you guys is that, as per usual when I'm on the road, the posting schedule will be a little wonky. If anybody wants to tell me what I should do while I'm out there, I'd appreciate it, but you should know that I might just end up spending my off hours in a sports bar watching the Sox like I did when I was in San Francisco a couple of months ago.

Posted by matt at 07:29 AM | TrackBack

June 23, 2005

I hate to say 'I told you so'...

Posted by matt at 04:04 PM | TrackBack

June 21, 2005

Take that, Willie Mays Hayes!

So the Sox managed last night to cap Cleveland's winning streak at nine. Everyone's bats were in rare form (including even Mark "I fucking love to strike out" Bellhorn's). Nonetheless, as anybody who's watched more than one Sox game this season could've predicted, Foulke and Embree really went out of their way to make the game as close as possible, jointly shrinking a solid 9-5 lead to a 10-9 squeaker. I guess at this point, that's just how it's going to be this season. Stock up on your bromides.

God, only the Sox could find a way to piss me off by winning a big game against a solid team.

The better news is that both the O's and the Spankees lost last night. That puts the Sox just two games behind Baltimore to lead the AL East. Also, the Spanks are one game closer to falling back below .500. Those are both Very Good Things.

Posted by matt at 09:50 AM | TrackBack

June 17, 2005

Ask a Simple Question...

From today's Dirt Dogs:

Should the Monster seats [in Fenway Park] be the Dick Radatz Monster Seats in memory of the Sox great closer? Radatz pitched over 120 innings of relief four times for the Sox, including the 1964 season, pitching 157 relief innings, yielding only 103 hits and fanning 181.

Absolutely. C'mon, the guy's nickname was "The Monster" ferchrissakes!

Posted by matt at 12:20 PM | TrackBack

June 16, 2005

Babe Ruth was a Black Man

A reader of The Greatest American Blog responds to the question "Who is the greatest American?":

Babe Ruth is the greatest American. He played baseball -- the greatest American pastime -- and broke the color barrier, inspiring our national youth.

It's true. Although we wouldn't be where we are today if it weren't for other great civil rights leaders like Billie Jean King and Cesar Romero.

Posted by matt at 04:45 PM | TrackBack

June 14, 2005

A Riddle

Q: What's better than watching the Red Sox pound the snot out of the second home-run-hittingest team in the NL?

A: Watching them do it on NESN, and doing so in your own home. Thank merciful Zeus for MLB Extra Innings.

Posted by matt at 09:26 AM | TrackBack

June 09, 2005

Good News for People Who Like Good News

Okay, I'm going to cover a lot of ground here, so try to keep up, okay?

First of all, with the release of Discover a Lovelier You, The Pernice Brothers' fourth long-player, just five days away (if you didn't pre-order it, that's just something you're going to have to live with), the band has announced a veritable slew of summer tour dates. They look just... like... this:

07/15/05 Northampton / MA Iron Horse Music Hall
07/17/05 Ottawa / ON Cisco Systems Bluesfest
07/18/05 Toronto / ON Lees Palace
07/19/05 Buffalo / NY Mohawk Place w/ Mark Norris, Royal Gun
07/20/05 Cleveland / OH Beachland Ballroom w/ Royal Gun
07/22/05 Chicago / IL The Empty Bottle w/ Royal Gun
07/23/05 Minneapolis / MN 400 Bar w/Royal Gun, Dressy Bessy
07/26/05 Seattle / WA Neumos w/ Royal Gun
07/27/05 Bellingham / WA The Nightlife w/ Royal Gun
07/28/05 Portland / OR Doug Fir Lounge w/ Royal Gun
07/30/05 San Francisco / CA Great American Music Hall w/Jim White, Royal Gun
07/31/05 Hollywood / CA Knitting Factory w/ Royal Gun
08/01/05 San Diego / CA The Casbah w/ Royal Gun
08/07/05 Louisville / KY Uncle Pleasants w/ Second Story Man, Royal Gun
08/12/05 Philadelphia / PA North Star Bar w/ Royal Gun
08/13/05 New York / NY Bowery Ballroom w/ Royal Gun
08/14/05 Middle East Down, Cambridge / MA w/ Royal Gun

I'm not thrilled about them only having one NYC date so far, since I think I've seen them at least twice every summer that I've been here, but I remain optimistic.

Okay. Are you still with me? Good. Now let's talk about baseball. Specifically, let's talk about how the Sox actually managed to not get swept by St. Louis. Could it be that David Wells has a yen to dispel the assertion that hiring him was an unmitigated disaster? If he keeps it together long enough to make it a slightly mitigated disaster, he'll have exceeded my hopes that had been heretofore thoroughly dashed (and what better incentive could anybody have for doing anything?).

The bad news is that the Spankees also managed not to get swept by the Brewers. Also, I think I heard that A-Slap did something that was praiseworthy in some way. Maybe that means he can skip therapy this week. At any rate, last night's win was only the second out of the last eleven games, so I'm pretty convinced that their brief turnaround last month was the fluke and not the rule for this season.

Lastly, I got my harmonium yesterday. I'm pretty sure it's the best instrument ever. If you pull out a couple of the stops and just keep pumping the bellows, you can make this awesome drone without even pressing any keys. I was very close to calling in sick today just to stay home and play with it all day. At any rate, I'm sure I'll record something with it in the not too distant future. Also, it might end up on some future Mendoza Line or Slow Dazzle project, so that'd be pretty hot.

Speaking of Slow Dazzle, their debut album hit stores on Tuesday and it demands to be consumed.

Posted by matt at 09:09 AM | TrackBack

June 01, 2005

Yes, I Owe The Man an Apology

Okay, I know I've been really hard on Edgar Renteria. I liked O-Cab, and I want really badly to see Hanley Ramirez have his day in the majors (which he can still get--just at 2nd instead of short), but there is absolutely no denying that Renteria has grown into his new job and his new league. Not only did he (along with Manny and Big Papi) almost have a perfect game on Saturday during Boston's slaughter of the Spankees on Saturday, but he got the first hit against the seemingly unhittable Cabrera in the Orioles game last night. This season, it's all well and good to shell the Yanks, but that shit counts double against the Baltimore juggernaut.

All of this is to say, way to go Edgar. I take it all back. I think you can finally be called Edgah.

By the by, since somebody had to put the O's to bed, I'm glad it was the Sox.

You know, now that I look back on some of the nasty things I said, I might just owe apologies to David Wells and Wade Miller, too. Meh.

While we're on the subject of the Sox, best wishes for a speedy recovery to sexy emeffer Johnny Damon, who took a nasty spill early on last night (allowing Jay "Captain Awesome" Payton to fill in at CF).

Lastly, RIP J.P. "Papa Oso" Villaman, la voz de los Sox en Espanol.

Posted by matt at 09:18 AM | TrackBack

May 27, 2005

Just a Game?

At this point, I think the best course of action for the Red Sox would be to drop David Wells off of the prudential center onto Wade Miller. Also, if Bronson Arroyo could get good at pitching, that'd probably help. Also also, it's not like O-Cab is setting the world on fire out west, but why we gave him up for Rally-Killer Renteria continues to elude me. We need to bring Hanley Ramirez up by next season at the earliest if Rent-a-Wreck can't figure out how to play baseball.

Did you know that Peter Falk played a mob boss in a movie one time? It was before Jon Favreau ate Vince Vaughn.

Posted by matt at 09:48 AM | TrackBack

May 18, 2005

An Easy Decision?

Oh my god. David Wells is so fucking fired.

Posted by matt at 04:28 PM | TrackBack

May 04, 2005

On the Suckage of the Robo-Raptors

As uneasy as I am about the fortunes of the Red Sox resting on random homers by Mirabelli, I'm heartened by the headline on the NYT sports page today: "The Yankees Go From Bad to Abominable." But my sprits sink again when I think about how I can't in good conscience hope to make any money by betting on Steinbrenner's horse in the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.

On a different tack, on my way to the train this morining, I was, inexplicably to some perhaps, filled with white-hot rage at the raggedy cordouroy-blazered hipster screw wearing an old Blue Jays trucker hat. Because I like to make snap-judgments about people (which, by the way, I'm right to do), I assumed that he was wearing it for style points, rather than allegiance to Toronto. This offended me greatly as I really hate the Jays this year for being so goddam good. People should be more mindful of the symbols with which they adorn themselves.

On the other hand though, it really drove home how ridiculous Toronto's new uniforms are. Instead of accepting the fact that they blew it in picking a wussy bird to be their totem animal spirit, they've tried to make the Jay look more imposing by restyling it like some distant future Transformers iteration where Starscream takes the form of a gay azure falcon. Wrong call.

Okay, I'll get back to you guys after I take a few deep breaths.

Posted by matt at 09:52 AM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

May 03, 2005

Yes, It's 2 PM and I'm Sitting Shirtless on the Couch. What's it to You?

A couple of things:

First of all, Sandra Lee's white-trash pre-shredded pouch cheddar "Mexican" "Fondue" looks way better than it should. What do you dip into the cheddar cheese soup/milk/salsa/shredded cheddar fonduesqe concotion? Why jack cheese, of course.

Also, I was really hoping that we'd be done with this Orioles nonsense by now, but I didn't want it to effing Toronto who would finallyput them to bed. God. Miguel Tejada can bite my ass so hard.

Jesus, how much cheese is she going to put on that thing? She's totally going to purge at the end of this episode.

Posted by matt at 01:46 PM | TrackBack

April 27, 2005

Would Everybody Please Take a Deep Breath

Why is everybody so "rivalry"-crazy when it comes to the Red Sox?

Okay, the Sox-Yanks rivalry is a good one, and it makes sense. The teams are in the same division, they're close to each other in terms of geography, and they often have comparable records (although the Sox tend to beat the Yankees more often than the other way around, Giambi's* post-season swats aside). Also, there's a ton of history between the teams. All of those things spell high drama, and they're great for the game.

(Speaking of the Yankees, everybody needs to get over the fact that A-Slap had one really good game last night.)

But why on Earth would anybody want to call the unpleasantness between the Sox and the Devil Rays a "rivalry"? Tampa Bay just happens to like to throw inside at Boston, and the Sox don't like to sit still for it. That's hardly a rivalry. That's Tampa Bay's pitchers being assholes. Calling it a rivalry is a little like Kim Jong Il wanting to negotiate exclusively with the US, so he can seem like he's one of the big boys. He's a crazy little man, and Tampa Bay would do well to look elsewhere for their role models.

If you want to put the Sox in a rivalry with someone, why not look in the direction of Baltimore? Last year, regardless of how well Boston was doing against everybody else in the league, they would invariably come out behind the O's. I'd be lying if I said that my post-series bliss in the off-season wasn't tempered a little by the thought that it might not be a fluke. Sure enough, Lord Baltimore's Orioles seem to have Boston's number again this year. Somebody needs to tell Sammy Sosa that he was only brought in to put people in the seats. He doesn't need to perform like that any more. Besides, he's not even the core of the O's strength. Miguel Tejada and Bruce Chen seem to be managing quite nicely.

Of course, the greatest rivalry the Sox will ever have is with themselves, as they proved last night. The Orioles couldn't have come back from a seven-run deficit without a lot of help from Matt Clement and Keith Foulke. It turns out that dispelling the Curse of the Bambino didn't do much to shore up the Sox ability to hold onto a lead. I guess some things will never ever change.

And that's why I'm a problem drinker.

Posted by matt at 10:18 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 18, 2005

Terrell Owens: prudent, fast, amazing.

Terrell Owens is 31 years old. What does that mean? He's got about 3, maybe 4, top-speed years left in him (barring any more injuries), however, he's signed a 7 year contract with the Eagles. As nice an organization as the Philadelphia Eagles are (I've dealt with them on occasion as an outside contractor (concrete)), I highly doubt that they will retain Owens when he's past his prime, for old time's sake and all that. So it makes sense that he's doing what he's doing (talking to the press, testing the waters)-trying to earn as much money for himself as he can while he still has the talent to justify such an exorbitant salary. Perhaps he's not going about it in the most tactful manner, but really, since when are contract negotiations (in any sport) supposed to be conducted by mustachioed men in blazers speaking in hushed whispers over tea at the Four Seasons (sounds like a Pinter play)? I for one hope that T.O. sticks around for the '05-'06 season, and that, with his grace and speed and wild dancing, the Eagles can conquer the godless and malevolent Patriots/Cowboys/Giants (I don't even have room in my head for the Redskins right now). Then we'll see who gets to host SNL (Brady, you are worthless, I hope a witch steals your brains). Okay, I'm done channeling Mitch Albom now (actually, if I were going to do that, shouldn't I say something like: "Terrell Owens played a great game in the home opener against his old team, the 49ers. September 12th, 2005 was a slate gray day, with a cold, motherly wind blowing in off the mighty Delaware, but TO -warm with confidence- shattered the glass-blowing milquetoast secondary of San Fran's finest football-playing millionaires". Oh, zing, Albom. P.S. your books are horrible- some might even say....'albominable'?! Whew. I'm really done now). [Albom link via Whatevs]

Posted by Kevin at 08:10 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

April 13, 2005

You Bastards

You're going to watch Curt Schilling's season debut, right? You'd effing better, cos I can't. I really, really hate how it's a different time here in California than it is on the other side of the country. More than that, I hate that, for some reason, I have to work from 5-7 PM PST tonight, which is most of the ballgame.

Anyway, speaking of baseball, check out this article from yesterday's WaPo. It's about Ted "Double Duty" Radcliffe who, at 102 years old, is the oldest living former negro league player. He's also the only person to get a home run off of Satchel Paige and strike out Josh Gibson. And he's also a piece of living history, so you should mos def read the piece.

That's it for now. Maybe I'll have more later. Maybe.

Posted by matt at 06:11 PM | TrackBack

April 11, 2005

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

This is going to be another goofy week at greenideas. I'm taking a baseball holiday today to go see the Mets home opener. With any luck, the Mets will be able to extend their one-game winning streak to come out of today at 2-6 instad of 1-7. The pitching match-up is Pettitte v. Glavine--solid and interesting, but not the Clemens v. Pedro face-off I was hoping for (I do want to see Pettitte fail, though).

Tomorrow I'm off to San Francisco, so god only knows what the posting schedule will be like. Not only will I be working, but apparently the clocks are set differently in that part of America. As always though, I'll post something every day.

One of the things I might post could be a review of the new Mountain Goats record. However, in a preliminary capacity, I'll say that it's freaking great.  Thank god, too, since the last one sucked really hard.

Posted by matt at 09:33 AM | TrackBack

April 06, 2005

Phew!

Oh thank god. The Sox have their first win (nothing to link yet). I'd hate to get really jaded so early in the season. So, are everybody's bats starting to wake up or did Rivera just have a really bad inning? Either way, it's about damn time.

Posted by matt at 05:01 PM | TrackBack

Why Bud Selig is Even Worse as a Person than Alex Rodriguez

Yesterday, I was watching game two of the Yankees opening series against the Red Sox (fucking Jeter! i might add). Bud Selig, baseball's commissioner, was in attendance at the game, and stopped by the announcer's booth for a chat. After the shit was sufficiently shot, one of the commentators (I don't know their names, since, if I have to watch a game on YES, I like to do it with the sound off) thought he'd hardball Selig a bit by bringing up the hot-button issue of steroids in baseball. The ensuing conversation served to confirm that Selig, Paul O'Neill (who I'd always heard was "one of the good ones," despite his having worn pinstripes), and the other cronies in the booth, all have a total lack of respect for baseball.

Unfortunately, I couldn't find a transcript or anything, but there were three main points that came out of the interview:

The first point was that steroid use was no more cheating than corking bats or doctoring balls. Therefore, it was claimed, records made or broken by players who dope should stand (and remain asterisk free) since some record-holders from the old days cheated in just those ways. Here's why that's wrong: First, if someone somehow managed to set a record today using a corked bat, someone would cry foul pretty quickly. Also, even before it was against league rules to cork a bat, people who did it certainly weren't breaking any laws, and they probably also weren't giving themselves cancer. The analogy is completely bogus.

Second, while repeatedly giving lip service to the idea that users need to be aggressively pursued and punished, Selig opined that just getting outed as having used is punishment enough. That's clearly false. Anybody who saw Giambi's reception at Yankee Stadium on opening night knows that. And raise your hand if you remember the name of the guy who just got a 10-day suspension for doping. Man, that's harsh.

Lastly, what was possibly the most galling thing to come out of the conversation, was the consensus between those involved that allegations of steroid use need to be handled privately, between players and their managers, and between managers and owners, and between owners and the commissioner. I hate the idea of defending Jose Canseco, but saying that writing that book effectively violated the MLB Omerta is complete bullshit. AIG is more transparent than baseball (especially now).

Come on, Commissioner Selig, you have to realize that you're killing baseball. You can trumpet climbing attendance all you want, but that won't continue if no player's achievements can stand on his own skills and merits. And even if it does, there is a moral case to be made that cheating is just plain wrong. Using steroids is cheating, just like corked bats and spit-balls.

But then again, now that I think about it, I probably hate Selig and A-Slap about equally.

Unrelated, but AHH! Terry Francona is in the hospital! Today sucks ass.

Posted by matt at 02:35 PM | TrackBack

April 04, 2005

Oh, It's On Now.

It's becoming increasingly apparent that I haven't got the stomach for Red Sox fandom. Instead of spending yesterday serenely enjoying the final moments of Boston's unchallenged World Series title, I was practically tearing my hair out over the impending match-up v. the hated Spankees. If every single such contest is going to feel like game 7 of the ALCS, it's going to be a long season. As such. it's clearly going to be a long season.

So the Sox lost last night. David Wells's coming out party was a bit of a disaster, especially compared to Randy Johnson's surgical job for the other side. Most of the familar bats were more sluggish than slugging (except for David Ortiz's good start, Jay Payton's RBI, and Trot Nixon's late inning sac fly). Damon and Manny were... I honestly don't know what their problem was. If they don't know either, they'd better figure it out sooner rather than later.

What's the good news? Well, even though every Sox-Yanks game feels like a post-season contest, there are, in point of actual fact, 161 more games still to played in the regular season. The Sox have plenty of time to pull out of their one game losing streak. And while we're on the subject of losing streaks, last night's victory for the Yankees was the first game they've managed to win against the Sox since game three of the ALCS. Along those lines, it was in the interests of extending a hand of fellowship to Yankees fans last night, I did concede the point that last year's championship victory wouldn't have been possible if the alleged Bombers hadn't laid down and died in the worst choke in the history of the game. It was rude to go so long without thanking them for that.

At any rate, if the right indigestion drug were to come along, I'd be willing to entertain offers of corporate sponsorship of the blog. "Mylanta Presents... greenideas" has a nice ring to it.

Posted by matt at 10:51 AM | TrackBack

March 31, 2005

About Effing Time

Finally. The Sox have shipped Byung Hyun Kim, the perennial bad penny, off to Colorado.

Here's a question, though. Which of the following comments made by Theo Epstein do you think is more insulting:

giving him a two-year contract instead of taking it year to year in arbitration was a mistake. It was my mistake, and a lesson has certainly been learned from it.

or saying that BHK had a

lack of chi

Is it possible that, had the interview gone on longer, Theo would've attributed BHK's perpetual choke to the fact that he "rikee eggy roll"? I guess we'll never know. At any rate, it's great news.

Posted by matt at 10:53 AM | TrackBack

March 17, 2005

An Olive Branch Bronxward

I'm watching the congressional steroid hearings right now, so I can't say that I'm feeling that great about baseball. At least I wasn't until I found Coalition of the Darkside (via Soxaholix). It's 17 days until the Sox will humiliate the Spankees as a delightful coda to the ceremony in which they receive their rings, so I'm getting all kinds of amped. Reading CotD talk the smack about my Sox gets me even moreso.

Apparently, however, there's one thing that real Sox fans and real Yanks fans can all agree on, and that's that A-Slap is a fucking tool. To wit (from CotD):

Derek Jeter: "Hey Shef, How many home runs you have today?"
Gary Sheffield: "Two"
Jeter: "Well, that's two more than that little bitch A-Rod!"
Jeter and Sheffield: "BWAHAHAHAHAH!"
A-Rod: sheds a single tear

It can even work in reverse:

Bernie Williams: "So, how'd you do today Jorge?"
Jorge Posada: "One-for-three with a walk, why?"
Williams: "Because that little bitch A-Rod was three-for-four with a double and two RBIs."
Posada: "Oh, snap! I'll be down at the cage."
A-Rod: sheds a single tear

And don't think this phenomenon will be limited to just the English-speaking members of the team.

Hideki Matsui: "Asahi ga nobotta higashi no sora ni *"
Interpreter Rogelio Kahlon: "Itsumo no you ni A-Rod-san kirei da ne *"

*Matsui: "I just don't like him. Even the geisha girls whine less."
*Kahlon: "I agree. A-Rod-san is a total bitch."
A-Rod: sheds a single tear

Also, RIP, Dick Radatz.

Also also, congratualations to Steve Buckley on his new book.

Posted by matt at 04:38 PM | TrackBack

March 16, 2005

Queer Eye for the Center Fielder

Well, if all of non-greenideas America wasn't already sick of the Red Sox, they sure as hell will be when last season's World Series champs (!) appear on the season premiere of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Johnny Damon, Kevin Millar, Doug Mirabelli, Tim Wakefield and Jason Varitek are all set to get the Fab 5 makeover.

I think it's a cute idea, and they can do whatever they want with the last four of those guys, but I wish they'd just stay away from Johnny D. For one thing, aesthetically speaking, he's fine the way he is (and he's got those eyes you could just get totally lost in...). But more than that, if there's one thing last season proved, it's that his power clearly resides, Samson-like, in his hair. Fortunately, a contractual obligation surrounding his forthcoming book (and tour) prevents him from cutting his hair. But the beard is fair game, and we've seen repeatedly that as his beard grows, so does his on-base percentage.

On a side note: Dear god. What is wrong with me that I can't help but go straight to the gutter when Carson Kressley is quoted as saying (Re: the Sox/QEftSG cultural exchange) that "They're teaching us how to spit." It's not just me, is it?

Posted by matt at 12:18 PM | TrackBack

February 22, 2005

Oh, It's On Now

Haters beware: the unfrozen caveman center-fielder and our own personal Jesus, Johnny Damon, has reported for Red Sox spring training in Ft. Myers (link, as is so often the case, via the Dirt Dogs). He says he's in great shape, having capped off his off-season workouts by spending the last couple of weeks running through the hills in Jamaica. We imagine we'd be in pretty good shape as well if we had that kind of venue. Anyway, he says his mental game is in top shape, too.

God, we can't fucking wait to see him embarrass the hell out of some Spankees this season. It's gonna be ugly. The beating that Johnny D, Papi, and Moonshot Manny are going to deliver unto the Spanks' Unit will violate the Geneva Convention. Alberto Gonzales is going to go memo-crazy justifying how the Sox can bend international law to treat A-Fraud & Co. so cruelly and unusually.

Oh yeah, we smell blood in the water.

Posted by matt at 01:44 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

February 15, 2005

Spring is in the Air

Okay, not really (although it is a balmy 49 degrees here in the Slope). But it's Spring in all the places that matter, like say, Ft. Myers, where pitchers and catchers reported for Spring Training yesterday. Thank god, too, since we were starting to feel those bugs under our skin.

(Oh, before we go on, we want to wish Bill Mueller a speedy recovery from his surgery yesterday.)

While the fallout from the BALCO imbroglio and Juiced, which comes out today, have put the futures of many Major League ballers in question, the Sox remain pleasantly unaffected (so far, blah blah blah, whatever). Of course, the Spankees haven't been so lucky. Indeed, the stink has reached, not just to the top of their organization, but all the way up to League Commisioner Selig (links via the Dirt Dogs).

We've got to admit to more than a little schadenfreude over this whole thing. It was one thing when Slappy McBluelips plainly spat in the face of Good Sportsmanship in a misguided (and wholly futile) attempt to throw a wrench in the wheel of history. It's a whole other matter entirely when the offense is not just a heat-of-the-moment, hope-nobody-was-looking, open-palmed slap at dignity (and Bronson Arroyo), but a far-reaching conspiracy between players and a corrupt organization who will jointly stop at nothing to stoke the embers of fading dynasty. While the proprieters of this here weblog have had our differences in the past regarding matters athletic, we're sure that there's no controversy to be found on the subject of the Yankees being a bunch of total jackasses.

Posted by matt at 12:13 PM | TrackBack

February 11, 2005

Kimchi Sox

Ha! Okay, so we won't be leaving you with a bummer for the weekend after all. Check out this Korean comic strip about the Red Sox. We've got no earthly idea what it says, but it's still pretty awesome. Why they made David Ortiz into Shrek, we can't say.

(link via The Soxaholix)

Posted by matt at 03:27 PM | TrackBack

February 07, 2005

Carrion and Dust

The Eagles played well yesterday, and, minus the baffling interceptions thrown by McNabb (pictured in his Gatorade grief-hijab, left), I'm pretty confident that they would have won, handily. The defense stood up well against a Patriots team that had racked up 390-some points against the Steelers, and when the Birds' offense was rolling, there was really no stopping them (see Greg Lewis' amazing 30 yd. catch in the 4th quarter, where he pretty much just straight ran past the Pats retardo-secondary). Plus, T.O. played like a madman- despite being at only about 65% of his regular game speed, on account of the ankle injury. Things look good for the Eagles' 2005 season, with the core of their starters locked up for the forseeable future, and the coaching staff staying put.

As for the Pats though, with Weis and Crennel moving on, it might be hard for New England's favorite douchebags to repeat next year. Tom Brady, some suggestions for the off-season: 1) shave off your 'I've been in the woods for two days skinning deer and eating grubs, no wait, just kidding, I'm an L.L. Bean catalogue model' scruffy beard, and 2) work on your conversational skills- your interview with Bradshaw yesterday was like watching a former mall-Santa-Claus (Bradshaw) interrogate a sheltered, home-schooled diorama prodigy. At no point in your exchange with Nutty McBaldhead did you at all appear either charming or human. 3) Clean out your chin cleft, it looks deep and moldy.

Jeff Johnson has some year-old vitriol re: the Pats and their repulsiveness here (about Robert Kraft) and here. Oh- also this recent one, about a somewhat lard-laden Pats fan. Item 'h' is good.

Posted by Kevin at 11:46 AM | Comments (5) | TrackBack

February 01, 2005

Serendipity, Baby!

Holy crap! Have you seen the video of the end of last night's Guilford v. Randolph-Macon game? Unfortunately, we can't find the clip anywhere online, but we promise you that it's worth a minute of your time to turn on SportsCenter to see it.

After a last-minute freethrow put R-M up by one, Guilford guard Jordan Snipes threw a long overhead shot from the back-court and it went in!

Seriously, you've got to find this clip somewhere. God damn. That kid is getting so laid.

Posted by matt at 10:10 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

January 24, 2005

The Island of Dr. Belichick

Dear Science,

Could you please find a way to breed Tom Brady with Johnny Damon? Thanks!

Love,
MH

Posted by matt at 10:06 AM | TrackBack

January 20, 2005

Ornithology and Helmetball

Shots in the Dark/Missed Connections that these games are like

New England at Pittsburgh: You (Patriots)- wearing a ball gown and sequined tiara, flaunting your good looks and 'white' teeth all over the place. Nice posture. Your hair looks like a landing pad for Pantene-drinking foxbats. Me (Steelers)- attending the Tele-SMART Software Users' Group conference, standing in a shrimp-cocktail stained seersucker blazer and khakis on the 5th floor interior balcony of the Minneapolis Radisson, looking down at the lobby and wondering if I jumped and spit at the same time, which would land first- me, or the saliva. You're sassy. Call me.

Atlanta at Philadelphia: You (Atlanta)- 20s-ish francophone woman in line for the Hercules roller coaster. Huge, shiny braces. Made you look like some sort of exotic ungulate when you chewed your pretzel. Sporting an oversize black t-shirt emblazoned with Princess Di, rendered in puffy, glittery paint. Your neck was sweaty. Me (Philly)- bashful Safety Facilitator who told you to sit the fuck down and fasten your harness into place. Arguably, I shouldn't have tackled you, but I was just doing my job. No offense. Let's meet up for coffee.

Pittsburgh vs. New England - Pittsburgh

Philadelphia vs. Atlanta - Philadelphia.

Get ready for a Pennsylvania Super Bowl.   

Posted by Kevin at 10:20 PM | Comments (4) | TrackBack

January 14, 2005

Moss points the way North!

And now the playoffs. I didn't post anything about last week's games, mostly because they all gave me the feeling of chugging water from a garden hose and then being forced to do very precise landscaping work for an old next-door neighbor. Not fun. Anyway, even though this is neither timely nor insightful, let me just say a few words about what happened in Green Bay with Moss and his ass and the fans: no one cares. What Moss did, no matter how much I might hate him, wasn't that bad, really, and was hardly flagrant enough to warrant the $10,000 fine that the league slapped him with. However, despite whatever degree of ass-badness Moss might present himself as having, one can rest assured that a quivering, gelatin-like mass of insecurity survives within- check it- the Vikes requested that Joe Buck (who looks like a dowel dressed up in glasses and a suit) not announce Sunday's playoff game with the Eagles, since he had referred to Moss' mooning as a "disgusting act". A lame-a-tronic move by the Vikings owner, which Fox wisely laughed at and then pissed upon (figuratively).

Since the Eagles won and Moss was a non-entity during the game, it really doesn't matter. Moss has 7 months to soak himself in his grief and douchebaggery, he should be just about pickled by the time pre-season starts up again.

Posted by matt at 04:59 PM | TrackBack

December 22, 2004

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

We certainly never thought that we'd be scrambling to add Spankees' hurler Javier Vasquez to our Decemberween-card list, but considering it was all his fault that the three-way Dodgers/D-Backs/Yanks deal for Randy Johnson fell through, we're more than willing to send a little holiday cheer his way. Gracias, Javier.

It also couldn't have hurt that the Dodgers' owner, Frank McCourt (the Hub real estate magnate--not the Angela's Ashes guy), is a lifelong Sox fanatic.

Posted by matt at 10:31 AM | TrackBack

December 20, 2004

Scary and Gross

It's hard to blog on a poor night's sleep, but that's the only kind of sleep we got last night thanks in large part to Silent Hill 3. God damn, man, that's some scary shit. Granted, it's really fun to get all into something like that, but it really makes for a harrowing late-night bathroom trip when you keep picturing all the Winnie the Poohs on your shower curtain (not our rassafrackin' choice) with their mouths covered in blood instead of, you know, hunny.

On a totally unrelated note ('cause the less we think about SH3, the better) we think it's kind of hilarious how the Soxaholix totally took the piss out of what's sort of our hometown ("sort of," because it's immediately adjacent to our actual hometown and it's kind of ambiguously bordered, thanks to the Amphib Base). As it is, we don't have too big a problem with the Nationals hanging out in Norfolk for a couple of years (scroll to the last section) before they descend like locusts to ravage the already cash-strapped District's economy, but it's really going to suck for the Tides (the NY Mets AAA) to have to compete for fans with a major league team.

Speaking of baseball, please oh please oh please go look at this! (link via Boston Dirt Dogs)

Posted by matt at 02:25 PM | TrackBack

December 16, 2004

Inside the Mind of a Loosah

There's a post on Boston Dirt Dogs today about what's going on in Pedro's nappy head as he tosses out his asinine barbs about the Red Sox Nation. It's pretty interesting on its own, but what made us absolutlely have to mention it was just that whoever wrote it totally brought up the work of the psychologists Kahnemann and Tversky. We're big fans of their stuff on evolutionary contraints on rationality (and even bigger fans of what people like Stich and Cherniak have done with it).

Of course, conisdering the fact that exactly one of you out there ever read the whole thing we wrote about George Lakoff, maybe we should stop mentioning the CogSci stuff. But then again, it's our blog and we'll write about what we damn please.

Posted by matt at 09:54 AM | TrackBack

December 10, 2004

Eppur Si Muove

Attention Yankee Fans: According to you guys, the Sox series victory may have triggered the endtimes, but fear not! There's still time to save your immortal souls. Just recant and join the Red Sox Nation. MLB.com has set up a site for just that purpose.

Posted by matt at 01:27 PM | TrackBack

December 09, 2004

Gypsies Foretold It

Redskins fans, I can say this to you now that the Eagles have locked up the NFC East: you probably shouldn't watch the game on Sunday night, since it's going to feature your favorite team in an embarrassing situation on par with being handed a pair of pliers by your boss and being told to pull out your thick, snot-caked nose hairs (and all of this takes place in front of your parents, who are in town for the weekend, and your super-hot co-worker officemates), since the sight of your nostrils alarms both customers and woodland animals. Unfortunately, Donovan McNabb has now, unbeknownst to many (even himself) completed the transition from 'Future Hall of Fame QB' to 'Messiah of Football', and as such will have to humbly rip into the Redskins' defense, however much it might pain him to do so. Eagles should take this one by about 95 points or so.

Sidenote: greenideas' collective alma mater is competing in a Division 1-AA semifinal football playoff tonight against the Dukes of James Madison University. It's going to be televised on ESPN2, courtesy of the $55,000 worth of lights the NCAA flew in from Edison's laboratory (this is the first night game in the history of the school, oh yeah, we're so cosmopolitan). Prediction: JMU will either win by a lot, since our players are unaccustomed to playing under the lights, or William and Mary's offense will put so many points on the board that the Dukes' shame will give them no other recourse but immolation. 

Posted by Kevin at 11:52 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack

November 30, 2004

P. Manning > E. Manning

Eli Manning, in only his second start as a Giant, against the Eagles this past Sunday, wore many facial expressions, which were captured in detail by Fox's skilled crew of cameramen. The more attentive viewers might have seen the moment when Eli looked like a scolded toddler who has just bitten into a melted-crayon-on-rye sandwich. That would have been after he threw that second interception. But before he got sacked for the 30th time. Fox did an especially nice job of zooming in on Archie Manning(Peyton and Eli's father)'s tightly-capped head, and the look of utter disappointment and shame that Papa Manning wore like a Kabuki mask, sitting in witness of his younger, worse son's extravagant shittiness. Awesome side note: Tom Coughlin has the burst-capillary cheek ruddiness of some of your more creepy church-going old men. The kind that strong-arm their way into being choral leader despite possessing not even a pinch of vocal talent. Look for Eli to accidentally/on-purpose slay Peyton in a field somewhere this summer, after offering up the season's harvest (Most Improved Douchebag; AFC MVP, respectively) to a judgmental Archie. Actually, with any luck, maybe Eli will get traded to Dallas so he can serve under the crotch-fat master, Parcells. One can only hope.         

Posted by Kevin at 08:00 AM | TrackBack

November 19, 2004

Parcells = walking carbuncle

Did anyone catch Mr. Jowly's post-Monday Night Football press conference? People were taking bets on how long it would take before Parcells took succor in the taste of human flesh, and started biting indiscriminately into the throats of the Cowboys' press corps. He looked pretty much like he was going to just cry all that fat right off of his face. Bill, my friend, it's a bad scene when your chins have the shape and fatigued sag of a lifelong hooker's labia majora. Please, take what's left of your artery-clogged life and move on to something else. Make workout tapes in the Jane Fonda genre (hell, you could even partner with her) for senior citizens where, at least once an episode, you say the phrase, 'guldarnit, I can really feel that burn!'. A dignified retirement, if you ask us. 

Posted by matt at 08:00 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

November 17, 2004

Color Us Badd Unimpressed (Updated)

So Guererro got the nod for AL MVP. Fine. Whatevs. We're too lazy to go and look up the actual numbers of votes to see if Manny Ramirez  would've gotten the top slot if he'd gotten all of David Ortiz's votes (as Papi himself had so selflessly entreated). We will continue to assume that such is indeed the case. If someone insists on disabusing us of this notion, then we'll go ahead and blame voters in rural Ohio for voting for Gary Sheffield.

Speaking of Shef, we're going to go easy on him today, considering what a bad day he's having (particularly if you recall what R Kelly has done to girls on film in the past).

The only good baseball news today is that the Sox spring training schedule is out! See you in Ft. Myers!

Update: Okay, so we looked at the votes and it wasn't even an issue. Manny and Papi each only got one first place vote. Stupid jerky MVP voters.

Posted by matt at 12:54 PM | TrackBack

October 21, 2004

Yes!

Out with the Curse of the Bambino, in with the Curse of A-Rod.

Seriously, God bless the Red Sox.

See also Yanksfan vs. Soxfan, The Joy of Sox and, of course, The Soxaholix.

Posted by matt at 09:37 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack

October 01, 2004

There are robots in my Blood

Well well. This post was going to be about nanotechnology and the upcoming conference in D.C. regarding the very exciting and terrifying (there's that phrase again) possibilities of such, but now, since Google seems to be asleep or dead (this is at 11:45 p.m. Thursday), we're going to have to make a lame prediction about the Philadelphia Eagles game this weekend instead. So, bear with us here. [Watch out for the info about the tiny robots next week.]

Although the Bears are a decent team overall, and Chicago is a totally respectable, even awesome city, it's becoming clear that the Eagles employ some sort of convoluted pagan rituals to physically enervate the opposing team and walk all over them. The Bears will receive no clemency from the Eagles, and especially not from McNabb and Owens, who seem hell-bent on making every single defensive coordinator in the league cry into the warm, sweaty shoulder of any nearby pre-pubescent ball-boy. Really letting it all come out in big, heaving sobs. You get the picture. So even though we know some cool people in Chicago: we're sorry, the Eagles are going to slowly and sadistically punish the Bears this weekend. The Birds will salt the grounds of Soldier Field with their talent and spite. Let's say 28 to 3, or some variation on that ratio. Ditka's ghost (note: we know he's not dead) will cry tears of blood, in sympathy.

Posted by matt at 12:00 PM | TrackBack

September 29, 2004

Sox Blotter

It's almost October, and it's an exciting/terrifying time to be a fan of the Boston Red Sox. The fact that it took them 11 innings to take out the Devil Rays notwithstanding (Seriously though, Lowe gave up 5 runs in 8 hits over 2.5 innings. Why why is he in Francona's 4-man ALDS roster?), the Sox are really taking it to the limit as regular season play wraps up.

Fortunately, there are two major factors that will go a long way towards breaking the post-season wall and helping us reverse the curse:

Factor the First: Joe Pernice (of greenideas mainstays The Pernice Brothers) wrote a song about Manny! "Moonshot Manny (Pega Luna)" is a beat heavy paean to everyone's favorite jhericurled slugger.

You can download the track from the link above for a small (at least $1) donation. The money goes to save Boston's First Night celebration which is in danger of being discontinued after this year.

Factor the Second: The Sox have learned how to harness the power of 'little people'. Pedro is now (literally) carrying around diminutive Dominincan performer Nelson de la Rosa as a good luck charm. With such an impossibly small person with us, who may be against us?

Indeed, exciting and terrifying.

Posted by matt at 10:33 AM | Comments (1) | TrackBack

September 22, 2004

Philly is great

We (Kevin) just wanted to say that the Eagles' performance on Monday Night Football was not only life-affirming, in some odd way, but also extremely vindicating. Some said that the Birds would never have another good season after going to the NFC championship three years and losing ALL THREE (fuck you, Panthers) times. But hey, what's this? 2-and-0? Indeed. They stomped on Randy Moss' overdeveloped cheek bones and unchecked amygdala two nights ago, and are looking to do the ol' poach and then skin and then sell-resultant-pelts-on-the-black-market to the Lions next weekend. Should be nice. Does anyone even like the Lions? Haven't had buzz since Sanders abdicated. Being a 'big fan' of the Lions is probably an attribute that overlaps heavily with, say, the 'listens to sports talk radio and is on Atkins for life' set. People who love a good underdog and worship John Madden, and also read Mitch Albom's last book. Anyway, they're disgusting. Eagles: put money on them now, gamblers. It's a lock.

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September 03, 2004

Strictly Bush League

McSweeney's used to host the funniest NFL commentary available online, written weekly during the season by Jeff Johnson. Looks like it won't be happening this time around, as McSwy's has relegated the NFL picks to their 'additional material' dungeon, which is where they banish their sundry other curiosities. Jeff runs a blog now, called Fitted Sweats, where he may or may not be performing a similar service for the 2004 football season. What follows is a (copy-pasted infringement) selection from the 2001 season, and is possibly the most hilarious entry that Jeff penned in his 5 years of ruthless absurdity. You can trawl through all five seasons on Mcswy's if this piques your interest.

Ways to get frustration off your chest if your team is not in the playoffs.
1.
Walk into a convenience store with your sweatpants on and bristle about having to wear a "monkey suit" to a wedding that night, then mop your brow and demand to see all the fancy colognes they carry. If they hesitate to answer you for even one second, say, "Sorry I'm not as pretty as you, Fuck Apple. Sheesh." Once you make your purchase, clap your hands loudly at the front door like you're getting dust off of them and say "Good bye and Good night." Roll your eyes. Then go sit in your car for eleven minutes, walk back in and ask if they've got a free toilet a member of the tax-paying public could use. Then say, "Maybe you call it a throne, Weisenheimer? The can? That ring a bell? Get me to it, ASAP." Then bounce up and down on your toes. That ought to make you feel a little better about the year Cleveland had.
2.
Call up a sports radio show and complain about how all you ever hear about is "Barry this and Barry that." When they ask what you're referring to, ask if they feel like getting sued "big time." Then demand to speak to the station manager. When they hang up, drive to the station immediately. Wear a three-piece suit. The door will most likely be glass, so pound on it till it really rattles. Someone with a pained look on his face will answer the door. Throw 'em a curveball, and claim that you are there to help 'em celebrate a birthday. When asked whose, yell "Vicki's, you fucking deadbeat." Sneer. Take the guy to Shoney's. Pull out a six-pack of Miller Lite when the waitress turns her back and wink at your new pal. Say, "This is the firewater you crave, isn't it? Now gimme that goddamn AA token." Then fidget and add, "Vicki must be running late, whaddaya say we go at it like a couple of rabbits at the Quality Inn, my treat?" The cops should be there by then, but you haven't broken any major laws, so you should be back on the streets in time for the 2002 season.
3.
Call a local elementary school and ask if they are in the market for a summersault specialist. If they are confused, ask really sarcastically if they've ever heard of "a little class I call gym?" Then say what you really want to know is this: "I have this black lab puppy, okay? And he's really smart. Now, I know and you know that he can't talk. So that's one hurdle. That's a given. But I think this son-of-a-buck could be in the third grade. Let's try him in your third-grade class. Cursive is gonna be a bitch, but he really has spark. Recess won't be a problem. Finding his way home, again, no problem. Art, no problem. He's had more shots than a lot of those brats, so we're clear there. He sings, too. Makes stuff with hot caramel. Knows the Charleston. Do you know the Charleston?" You will get hung up on. From that moment on, until the opening day kickoff, try and play the air keyboards wherever you go, especially church. Really hammer them. Squint and snort. Start saying "Bango," at inappropriate moments, like the middle of a speech your daughter might be giving.

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September 01, 2004

Smote!

Truly, this can only be the Finger of God.

Update: Soxaholix on last night's twin miracles.

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August 30, 2004

Paul Hamm > Goldie

If All-around gymnastics champion Paul Hamm wants to keep his gold medal out of the hands of the FIG, he should probably just melt that shit down and get fronts for his teeth. And why not? What else would he do with the medal- display it in some sort of hermetically sealed plastic case? Put it on his Olympic hope chest to gather sun and motes? Let's try to think practically here, Paul. You can distract people from your alarmingly pre-pubescent voice by flashing a smile full of pure, untainted AU. A little something for the ladies, if you will. Do not fall apart here, Paul. We all know you're shaking to your very core with lurid angst and rage. Bob Costas will try to fuck with you, no doubt. Just smile and nod, squeak out some platitudes about competition and rules and fair play, and tell that sniveling perv Tim Daggett that he cannot have a pajama party with you and your brother. You can see it in his eyes, he SO wants to. Columbus, OH's housewives and pastors will march on S. Korea if you give the word, not to mention the entire second-string of both the Bengals and the Browns. They have nothing better to do.

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July 08, 2004

Baseball. Hooray Baseball.

Somehow, due to some bizarre astronomical event last night, the Red Sox won, the Mets won, and the Yankees lost.

Somewhere in the world, dogs and cats are holding paws, and Ralph Nader is being something other than a dick.

Posted by matt at 10:13 AM | TrackBack

July 02, 2004

Heartbreak

We dearly hope that not too many of you out there had the misfortune of watching last night's Sox/Yankees game. The whole game had the desperate feel of a late postseason game, which made it suck just as much as a big postseason loss. Manny's 13th (yes, 13th!) inning homer seemed like a great way to get out of the 10-inning deadlock, but apparently the Bronx Bummers didn't agree.

Still, we've got to admit that after we'd recovered from the initial shock (and crushing disappointment) of the loss, we couldn't help but marvel at the quality of the game that was played. The Sox really patched up the massive holes in their defense that the Yanks powered through in Wednesday's game, but Jeter and A-Rod both made some epic saves (one of which took Jeter out of the game with a bruised and bloody face after he dove into the stands).

All in all, it was one hell of a nailbiter, and something like a punch in the gut from Mike Tyson on fire when it was over. But god damn was it some great ball.

We fucking hate the Yankees.

Here's the Soxaholix on last night's tragedy.

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May 18, 2004

Slammin' Sammy's Sneezing Spasm

Sammy Sosa suffered an unlikely injury on Sunday when a sneeze caused his back to spasm. The injury kept Sosa off the field and on the trainer's table while his teammates took on the Padres. Fortunately for him, the Cubs took San Diego 4-2 to sweep the three-game series.

Sosa was understandably embarrassed by the manner in which he ended up on the DL, saying, "It would have been better if I had hit off the wall or we have a fight or something, but this ... you know what I mean?"

Yes, Sammy. Yes we do.

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April 15, 2004

Thanks, but No Thanks

Why must we of the Red Sox nation be forced to endure the shame of having Ben Affleck as our spokesman?

Mr. Affleck (whose heart, we must admit, is in the right place) emceed an auction to benefit the Red Sox Foundation. Also in attendence were several Sox, as well as SNL-er, Seth Meyers.

The regrettable spokeschin did manage to raise some money, however, with some of the items going for over $12,000. Nonetheless, we won't abide his speaking for us until he starts putting his own belongings in hock to pay for Manny next season.

On a side note, we just noticed that we've posted about both Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez this week. To any of our readers who might be confused or upset by this, we should say that we're just as scared as you.

"Ben Affleck hosts Red Sox charity auction" (Boston Herald)

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April 12, 2004

Go Mets!!!

Sorry about today. greenideas took a baseball holiday while we went to see the Mets home opener.

It was a fine game, and the Mets won by a solid margin (10-6). Still, as fervent supporters of several underdog teams (Red Sox, Mets, Cubs), we regret the fact that we can't start celebrating a 10-0 shut-out going into the sixth inning. It really ought to be the case that such a lead should be insurmountable. But we've learned the hard way far too many times that such is not the case with any team that is worth caring about.

Still, when all is said and done, the better team won today, and we dearly hope that it's a harbinger of some great ball this season.

Go Mets!!!

Also, congratulations to our main man David Ortiz for a phenomenal showing in extra innings yesterday. That was a homer that couldn't have been better timed if it was in the post-season. Well...

Oh, and screw Barry Bonds. That steroid freak doesn't deserve to touch Willie Mays's record. But we digress.

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April 08, 2004

Hank Aaron's Record Turns 30

Today is the 30th anniversary of Hammerin' Hank Aaron's home run record. On April 8th 1974, Aaron hit his 715th home run, to snatch the record from Babe Ruth. Aaron, who recently turned 70, will be honored tonight in a ceremony at Turner Field.

Barry Bonds is the only active player who is close to reaching Aaron's record. At 659, he is one homer shy of tying Willie Mays. After that, only Ruth stands between him and Aaron. Of course, whether his career has enough longevity to make it that far is by no means certain.

For his part, Aaron thinks A-Rod might have a shot at the record if the youngster isn't too hard on himself.

"Remembering Hank Aaron and No. 715" (Mercury News)

Hank Aaron at the Baseball Hall of Fame.

The boxscore of that historic game.

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April 07, 2004

Sox Pull Off First of Many Wins

Red Sox: 4, Orioles: 1.

Phew! It's great that the new Sox acquisitions, Curt Schilling and Keith Foulke, are living up to their pre-season hype. It's especially comforting after Pedro's abyssmal showing in Sunday's opener.

We don't claim to be any kind of student of the game, but if we were to offer a bit of advice to the Sox for this season, it would be to tell Johnny Damon to watch where he's going. After his crash-up in last year's post-season (from which he still hasn't fully recovered), you'd think he'd keep his eyes open. The three-player pile-up which knocked Manny Ramirez out of last night's game would let you know that you'd be wrong to think that.

However, in the interests of accentutating the positive, we'll just mention that Schilling was ably assisted by Embree in the seventh, Timlin in the eighth, and then Foulke in the ninth. If they can keep this up, they will have proved fans' and pundits' offseason conjectures that this is indeed the best bullpen in baseball. Also, maybe Pedro will smarten up and lose the attitude.

On a side note, this game was the highest rated MLB game in ESPN2 history.

"Dynamite Debuts" (Boston Globe)

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February 25, 2004

Talk About a Real "Ball Buster"... Sorry

Tomorrow night, an infamous artifact of Chicago sports history will meet a gruesome end. When Steve Bartman snatched what should have been an out from the hands of Cubs outfielder Moises Alou, he unwittingly caused the team to lose the NL championship series to the Marlins. Tomorrow night, however, Chicago fans will attempt to reverse their notoriously bad luck by destroying the offending ball.

Grant DePorter, the managing partner of Harry Caray's restaurant group, who purchased the ball for $113,824.16, has enlisted the help of academy award-winning mechanical effect supervisor, Michael Lantieri, to make sure the ball gets blowed-up right.

Expect way too much TV coverage of the event tomorrow night. Also, expect greenideas to be planted on a barstool somewhere to see that coverage.

Still, we can't help but wonder why folks believe that the destruction of this ball will do anything to change the Cubbies' luck when the curse of the goat still looms large over Wrigley Field.

"Cursed Ball About to Get Whacked" (LA Times)

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February 18, 2004

Sour Grapes? (Updated)

John Henry, owner of the Boston Red Sox, is calling for a salary cap for major league players in the wake of the Yankees' A-Rod deal. This seems to us to be a little inappropriate.

(We should say now that what follows is said only out of love for the Boston Red Sox, the best team in baseball. This is in no way, repeat: no way, some kind of ideological concession to the Yankees. That said...)

We've actually been in favor of a salary cap for a long time now, so it's not that we disagree with Henry on those grounds, but shouldn't he have made his feelings about this matter known before the Sox started courting Rodriguez in the first place? It just seems awfully catty to start griping about how unfair it is that the Yanks have so much money when 1) yours is the second highest payroll in baseball, and 2) New York isn't paying A-Rod that much more than Boston would have.

Sure, we think it would've been good for baseball and good for the Sox if A-Rod had gone to Boston, but it's over, and it's time to start looking ahead to what is going to be a great season--not to pout in the sandbox becasue the obnoxious rich kid has more money to buy the best toys. We all know what an asshole the rich kid is.

Update: We titled this post before the 2/19 Post headline for the same story. The day we start stealing headlines from the Post is the day we hang up our blogging hat. The only thing we feel bad about is the fact that the Post headline came from Steinbrenner's mouth. We really don't want to think that we have any headspace in common with that windbag.

Fortunately, Bud Selig told both Steinbrenner and Henry to shut up, so hopefully this is the last we'll hear out of them until Spring.

"Henry wants salary cap to control Yanks" (Sports Illustrated)

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February 17, 2004

A-Rod, Schmay-Rod

Look, we love the Red Sox--probably to an unhealthy degree (and the first Yankee fan to say that any degree of BoSox love is unhealthy is begging for a knuckle sandwich), so we have to admit that we had a pretty strong visceral reaction to the news about A-Rod. However, now that our blood has cooled to below its boiling point (thanks to some refreshing Boston-friendly Guiness), we have to say that it's probably not going to be such a big deal. The fact is, Rodriguez's slugging percentage isn't especially daunting in the face of the best bullpen in baseball today. Between Martinez, Schilling, and Lowe, the odds of A-Rod actually making enough contact with the ball to do anything special with it aren't looking so good. Compare that with the Yanks only starting pitcher, whose arm will most likely dry up and fall off before October. We won't be losing much sleep over this one just yet.

Of course, we won't know anything until the season starts, but things are looking decidedly sunny this year.

Two and a half days till Sox pitchers & catchers.

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February 02, 2004

Go Pats!

If there were a Nobel Prize for kicking (petition for 'Kicking' prize pending), it would most assuredly go to one Adam Vinatieri. We're a little sad to not have been in Boston for the big game. After the game-winning field goal, we were holiding a lighter up to a pile of snow, trying to make an Allston-sized bonfire, but it was kind of a no-go.

Not that we're into football all that much, but it was a strange and wonderful feeling to go into a championship sporting event rooting for the favorite. Even though it would've been nice for the underdog Panthers to pull it out, we're simply tickled to have at least the one New England championship this year.

Still, as exciting as that was, what we were thinking through the whole denouement (fourth quarter for the non frenchies out there) was just, "two weeks till pitchers and catchers, two weeks till pitchers and catchers..."

Seriously, we here at greenideas sincerely wish to congratulate the 2003-2004 Patriots and Panthers on a game exceedingly well-played (discounting Tom Brady's major slip-up in the last few minutes).

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