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May 05, 2006
ablative case has been such a hassle lately
Last year, one of my favorite blogs, Jeff Johnson's (hilarious) Fitted Sweats had a feature where David Berman would answer questions submitted by readers. As far as I can remember, there were only four questions, but they were amazing (and deserve more attention). I was reminded of this the other day when I dined at Friendly's for the first time in 16 years and saw their dessert menu which was emblazoned with the word INDULGENCE (all caps, white letters):
Week One
Why do some adults speak of dessert in a mock-naughty tone that's usually reserved for sex? -- Wanda, Inver Grove Heights, Minnesota.
David's Answer: Yes, you'll never hear people talk about appetizers in those terms.Sweet Adultery Eggrolls or whatever. I think this contribution to closing remarks, is purely the work of women 50 and older who do not work. No longer able to bear children, they themselves, in post-prandial hallucinations dream up the cake canyons and sweater covered hills that cause the planet where dessert turns people on. (original)
Week Two
This week's question: If Jesus were living now, in our modern times, do you think he would dress the same as he did back then or would he have a little different look? Do you think people might be freaked out if he had a goatee?
David's Answer: Would he have caught Eric Claptons's little boy w hen he fell out that window, that window to the Unplugged session career revival, the grammies, and afterward? In a fix could Jesus get down on all fours in a parking lot and turn himself into a negligible compact car, thus avoiding capture?
Wo uld he idly drive himslef to the cape and help an embittered shrimpboat captain perform euthanasia on a Canadian ketchup baron in rough international waters? The answers to these questions is "yes." (original)
Week Three (this was the one I submitted)
Dear David, What if airplanes ran on juice instead of various grades of petroleum distillate?
David's Answer:Then those juice boxes with the little straws would become Hi-C molotov cocktails in the hands of bad children. Vitamin C for catastrophe. (original)
Week Four
Can self-congratulatory oppositional work actually provoke the power structures (from thought to State) to self-destruct or at least realign in subtleties too precious for a quotidian consciousness?
David's Answer: If by "self-congratulatory oppositional work" you mean "the Flaming Lips," and if by, "provoke the power structures," you mean "Will not go away," and if "subltelties too precious" stands for "Why won't they go the fuck away?"-then yes. (original, with Kenny Chesny preface)
Posted by Kevin at May 5, 2006 12:48 AM